SIOUX LOOKOUT, ON – Sir Armaunthat de Soulecoute, 34, of Sioux Lookout, Ontario, described the collapse of Canada’s questing industry as a ‘tragedy of the commons’ to a gathering of the press outside his King Street house earlier this afternoon.
“Canada used to be a world leader in the questing industry,” he said, his chain-mail rattling as he sighed. “Now we’re ranked 68th internationally. After Singapore.”
De Soulecoute admitted that this was partially due to declining supernatural resources, but also pointed a gauntleted finger at the Harper administration, citing their recent nationwide slash of Knight pension funds – a move that Soulecoute claims is part of an ongoing ‘war on knighthood.’
“Sure,” said de Soulecoute, “there are fewer magic rings and enchanted swords out there nowadays, and since 1976 it’s been industry policy to leave the rescuing of damsels to the police, but that doesn’t mean that Questing still isn’t a potentially vibrant sector of Canada’s economy.”
“These cuts are ideologically driven,” continued de Soulecoute. “Knights-rights are inconvenient for big business, and the Harper government doesn’t like that.”
The strained relationship between knights and corporations in Canada is nothing new: Earlier this spring, Sir Yorick of Chestermere, 29, of Chestermere, Alberta was called to face suit from the energy company Enbridge, after tilting at one of their oil derricks. In 2011, Sir Rettiger von Shürbroch, 35, of Sherbrooke Quebec, was charged with negligent manslaughter after he burst onto the set of the TV show Dragon’s Den and mounted venture capitalist and “Dragon” Kevin O’Leary’s severed head on a pike.
At the same time, many knights have accused large companies like RIM of using scab labour.
“It’s disgraceful,” said former RIM employee Sir Griselwald Sangefroide. “My sworn brethren and I had been sent out into the wilderness to find the new Blackberry prototype. The Union says that we don’t have to battle black knights at bridges, and when our supervisor told us that we would lose our Christmas bonuses if we didn’t vanquish Sir Malegant de St. Murder, we told him, that’s it, we’re on strike.”
“Next thing we know, some plucky farmboy they’ve hired has killed Malegant and found the prototype, all for just 25 cents over minumum wage,” Sangefroide lamented.
Spokespersons for the Harper regime see the issue differently.
“Since the Conservative government has been in power, Canada has seen a net increase in the number of Quests,” said Finance Minister Jim Flaherty. “It’s not anti-chivalric, it’s part of Canada’s economic action plan!”
Knights like de Soulecoute remain skeptical, however, saying that older, more lucrative quests are being replaced by “McQuests.”
“Last month a castle in Barrie fired 60 knights from high-paying positions searching for the Pendant of Lake Lacrimosa,” de Soulecoute said. “Sure they can get work at Medieval Times, but you don’t spend five years of wandering the cruel wilderness and battling monstrous creatures just to end up poking sticks with the Yellow Knight on Tuesdays and Fridays.”
