MILKY WAY GALAXY – A new study suggests that, despite giving up countless hours of sleep each year, the planet Earth will never accumulate enough daylight to give up its 8760-hour orbit.
“With the rising costs of sustaining life in this galaxy, the planet will likely have to keep working until it’s at least 10 billion years old, and it will probably get absorbed into the sun before that,” says Carla Meraz, an astro-finance planner at HR & Block. “Maybe it could’ve taken out a second mortgage on the stratosphere, but that was before its credit score went to shit.”
Jerry Wolten, a geologist and long-time resident of Earth, says he feels saddened that his planet won’t get to enjoy its golden eons. “It’s such a shame. Earth was looking forward to getting some rest after all of us lifeforms had moved out, and it could relocate to a quiet red supergiant a couple of solar systems over. Maybe even finally finish that continent it always talked about making. Now it might need to get a second moon to make ends meet. Or become a greeter at some kind of cosmic Walmart.”
Many of the researchers who compiled the report on Earth’s prospects are worried that being forced to stay in the galactic workforce into its’ literal twilight years is starting to harm the planet’s health. As things are, the Earth has no time to keep its oceans clean, has a lot more eruptions on its surface, and seems to have trouble staying straight on its axis.
Earth’s accountant Fonda Johnson states that the planet really should have been prepared for this disappointment. “Earth isn’t like those older planets with a lot of titanium deposits saved up. It really shouldn’t have been investing so much time in those water-consuming avocado trees.”
“Honestly, getting into the biosphere business entirely was probably not a smart move on the planet’s part. It probably shouldn’t have tried to have life on it until it was more financially secure. And it needed a better exit strategy to pass civilization on to Mars. Especially since Mars is dead set on pursuing a career as a tattoo artist.”
However, there might be one ray of hope for the middle planet of our broken solar system, as experts theorize the sun could go supernova at just the right time and leave the Earth with enough daylight and force to land in what NASA is referring to as Space Florida.
