OTTAWA – With negotiations dragging on until well-past 3pm, the nation’s parents say they have reached an impasse with their toddlers, who are steadfastly maintaining a strict no-nap policy.
The nation’s toddlers enacted this uncompromising stance at about 2pm this afternoon, when parents first came to the table noting that they were getting fussy and maybe it was time to lay down for a while. This offer was rejected out of hand, countered with an offer of “more Paw Patrol.”
“This has been completely unfair and a massive breach of protocol,” said Winnipeg father, Dale Goode, adding that his 20 month old daughter was starting to throw Goldfish Crackers immediately after thinking maybe she was beginning to crack. “All our efforts to placate he were completely rebuffed. We even tried offering a trip to go get ice cream later in good faith, but unfortunately that was shot down with the constant repetition of “No Nap! No Nap!””
“At this rate, we’ll be exactly where we are by 2am,” he added.
Authorities have been unable to contain the often violent outbreaks from children across the country, some of whom weigh up to 35 lbs. Citing officer safety concerns, police have been slow to confront the children who are usually screaming, kicking, smacking, crying, and generally knocking over household objects and spilling whatever liquid they can get their hands on, although some were able to be subdued and airlifted to a safe location, usually their rooms. Several sources inside law enforcement have remarked that the nation’s toddlers seemed incredibly well organized despite the fact they collectively have trouble getting dressed in the morning.
Professional mediators have been dispatched to see if the conflicting parties can come to some sort of resolution, but unfortunately progress has been slow.
“It’s been tough to even agree on facts,” said 20-year veteran arbitrator Rebecca Lietchman, adding the toddlers seemed more interested in their belly buttons than in what she had to say. “This has been almost as useless as my negotiations between the Trump administration and North Korea.”
At press time, the nation’s toddlers were riding in the back of a car and slowly nodding off to sleep.
