DEER CREVICE, ON – The old, abandoned circus on the edge of town is entirely free of malignant spirits, according to the glowing skull in the rainbow wig that floats beside the rusted-out t…
Local
Local man bored to death by euthanasia debate
VANCOUVER – Mark Wilson is so tired of British Columbia’s assisted suicide debate that he’s now asking for the option to end his life to prevent hearing about the subject ever again. “When …
Local man suffers devastating loss of erection after girlfriend explains Zodiac compatibility
Cornwall, ON – The burgeoning relationship between Monica Carlstrom and Brent Sherway has been progressing steadily until 8 pm last night when tragedy struck. The couple was about to become intim…
Women everywhere scramble to lock down ‘winter boyfriend’
Burnaby, BC – Anthropologists studying human female migration patterns have noticed mass movements of women toward cafes, college campuses, and libraries in pursuit of finding a mate for th…
Wine bar’s “No Dogs” sentiment extremely mutual, say dogs
WHITBY – A small crowd of local dogs gathered on leashes outside of Aule Wine Bar confirmed that the artfully stenciled sign reading “Nee Canes,” which prevents them from enjoying the estab…
Homeless man probably fine
TORONTO – After brief but careful analyses of the clothing, grooming, and language ability of an elderly homeless man who spends hours each day repeatedly walking between the Annex and Park…
Kingston mayor on Queen’s Homecoming: ‘the horror, the horror’
KINGSTON – After Queen’s University students failed to pick up tens of red plastic cups from their Homecoming festivities this weekend, Kingston mayor Mark Gerretsen’s was left utterly thun…
Woman uses optimum points to buy morning after pill
TORONTO – Local woman Laura Daniels was low on cash when she went to Shoppers’ Drugmart to buy emergency contraception, so she decided to use the 50,000 optimum points she had accumulated since f…
Woman befriends other woman over mutual hatred of third woman
CALGARY – Margaret Walsh, a secretary at an HR firm solidified her friendship with co-worker, Linda Desroches, last Friday through their mutual contempt for another colleague. “I always liked Li…
Latest self pat-down confirms presence of wallet, cancer
THORNHILL WOODS, ON – Shortly before leaving the subway train, local businessman Jerry Levin’s paranoid pocket exploration established the existence of his wallet, cellphone, house keys and a mal…
