MONTREAL – In what is being called a courageous act of apathy, a landlord has eliminated most of his building’s bed bugs by ignoring calls to fix the building’s centralized heating system. …
Local
Local uncle insists he does not murder people at truck stops
PETERBOROUGH, ON – When asked at a family dinner what he had done the previous weekend, local uncle William Tudor Falkes vehemently denied that he was in the habit of taking human lives at …
Liberals hike minimum wage to keep up with current levels of poverty
TORONTO – Ontario premier Kathleen Wynne announced Thursday that the government would be moving immediately to raise the province’s minimum wage to $11.00 an hour, in an effort to properly …
Kidnapping at preschool leaves 17 kids well rested
TORONTO – A kidnapping at a local preschool has led to an entire class of kids being fresh and ready to concentrate on new play-based learning curriculum. Citing parental complaints, the governme…
34-year-old father barely has time to operate Twitter parody account
KITCHENER – Citing a hectic work schedule and a seemingly endless list of obligations to his wife and children, local husband and father Jason Forrey recently lamented that there were simply not …
Missing banana found in hammock
SASKATOON – After a frantic 29-hour search and rescue, a lost banana has been found safe and sound tucked inside a hammock. “You never think it will be you,” said local handyman…
House Cats up to something
CALGARY – After observing the suspicious behaviour of his two pet cats, Milo and Muffy, local graphic designer Todd Perkins has concluded that they are definitely colluding against him for …
Local man’s jaw freezes while complaining about weather
Newmarket, ON – A local man’s mouth has frozen shut after airing several grievances about the snow, wind and the near record low temperatures most of the country is experiencing today. Evan…
Parents convince their children that mall Santa’s “funny smell” is juniper berries
Brockville, ON – When Crestview Mall’s Santa Claus showed up to work belligerently drunk and stinking of gin last weekend, parents had to persuade their children that the smell emanating fr…
Jewish coworker given menorah for Secret Santa
LONDON, ON – During the office’s yearly exchange of Secret Santa gifts, Daniel Cohen, a Jewish HR manager, received one small menorah from associate-VP of marketing, Karen Welsh. “Well isn…
