KINGSTON, ON – Local 8-year-old, Tommy Steiger, went to bed yesterday seemingly unaware he had just experienced the best day of his entire life. “Today was great! We went to the amuse…
Local
Voices in man’s head outsourced to India
ABBOTSFORD, BC – Local mental health patient Andrew Wallace, 35, has tolerated hearing voices in his head for years, but says he is now unable to deal with the voices after their upper mana…
Man’s stroke ignored at zombie walk
TORONTO – Tragedy struck at Trinity Bellwoods Park yesterday when a man’s stroke symptoms were mistaken for a convincing zombie performance at this year’s Zombie Walk in the Park. Derek Riz…
Local man concerned that if he starts kissing horses, then where will it stop?
BIGGAR, SK – After an unexpectedly intimate moment with his prize-winning mare, Danziger, local businessman and horse breeder Wayland Price said that he feels, “uncomfortable.” “Well, Danzi…
Jen’s dating life totally inconsiderate, says ‘completely platonic’ roommate Darren
TORONTO – Darren Santos, year-long roommate to Jennifer Richards, has finally had enough of the co-ed’s active dating life. “She’s a great girl, but it’s getting to be a bit much,” said San…
Rookie cop throws up like a bitch
TORONTO – In a show of total lameness, officer Danny Preston found he was unable to control his woman-like stomach at the scene of a triple-homicide cult-killing yesterday afternoon. “…
New father looking forward to son living in his shadow
SASKATOON, SK – Beaming new father Jack LaSalle was delighted to announce the birth of his son to the world, and said he was “really looking forward to seeing him spend most, if not all, of…
Local dad less enthused than hoped about ‘daddy’s girl’ back tattoo
OSHAWA, ON – Ashley Moffat, 22, rushed home Sunday morning to show her father the new message of love she had carved into her skin as a birthday gift to him, only to be disappointed by his …
Man typecast as serial killer would literally kill for new role
TORONTO – James Holden Garrison, a moderately successful dramatic actor, has been cast in 18 television guest spots–always playing either the serial killer, or the guy everyone thinks…
Murder mystery party ends in actual murder
WINNIPEG, MB – A murder mystery party among friends and acquaintances took a turn for the worse when one guest actually killed another guest as part of the game. Rupert Carpathia, a 28-year…
