WATERLOO, ON – Quantum physicist Agnes Chevrier announced in a press conference today that not only has she invented time travel, but she had already achieved her purpose in inventing it, which was to travel to the year 2016 and mock the people of that time for thinking that they had experienced a difficult year.
“I looked back at some articles and social media posts from the end of the year in 2016,” explained Chevrier. “They were all talking about how an unusual amount of celebrities had died that year. Could you imagine living in a world where the worst thing that happened that year was that some musicians died? So that really put a boot up my ass to invent time travel, travel to that year, and make them feel even worse through teasing.”
When asked if she should have used her incredible new technology for something more significant, like killing Hitler as a baby, stopping the coronavirus, or even killing Hitler as a young adult, Chevrier replied, “Killing Hitler would be both satisfying and important. But it pales in comparison to going to 2016 and explaining to people complaining about the all-female Ghostbusters cast that, in 2020, we all have to wear masks for fear we will die or kill with our saliva.”
Chevrier says she already has burned the time travel technology along with the rest of her lab because she could not think of anything else she wanted to do with it. She closed the press conference by showing her interaction with a group of 2016ers telling the time travelling Chevrier, “We’ve been through probably the worst American election cycle ever. Donald Trump was elected, if you can believe that,” at which the physicist laughed for two whole minutes before saying “The ELECTION? You think the ELECTION will be the WORST PART?”
At press time, a time travelling scientist from the year 2024 had just arrived at the press conference after appearing out of nowhere, literally on fire, with a big smirk on his face.
